Please. Thank You.

~ "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use." Emily Post

~ "A man's manners are a mirror in which he shows his portrait." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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(Who can forget Veruca Salt- the gold standard of selfishness, and one "bad egg"......)

We attended a banquet a few weeks ago, one that included a large number of kids. When it came time for everyone to serve themselves dinner from the potluck table, to my surprise, the kids were all excused first. Mind you, there was a large number of older folks in the audience, since many kids' grandparents were in attendance.

I was completely shocked to see all of the kids take piles and piles of food, often 3 or 4 of one item, not thinking of the others who had not yet eaten. Sadly, much of this food was discarded, uneaten, later.

Do I think it's unconscionable that adults are expected to wait a few extra minutes to eat? Of course not. Am I horrified beyond belief by wasted food? Not generally. What really bothered me was the assumption (Made both by the kids and many of the adults) that the kids were to be shown deference and respect, and not the older people present. The kids, truly, were thinking of no one but themselves. THAT is what bothered me.

It made me think long and hard about what manners I want my children to posses, and what I am doing to instill such manners. (Here is the obligatory disclaimer- my kids, myself, my family- we're quite imperfect. We mess up. We're rude sometimes. Please refrain from pointing this out as a means of disqualifying my opinions here. I have beliefs that I execute poorly, but I keep trying.)

I feel strongly that my boys should respect those who are older than they are. Granted, this isn't absolute- there are occasions where certain individuals are, for one reason or another, difficult to defer to, but I think that's the exception rather than the rule. We, in our household, have our boys look people in the eye when they are conversing, and refer to their elders as "Ma'am" and "Sir". I do not think those titles are necessary to show respect, but honestly, I have seen the boys (Especially Christopher, as a teen boy) be treated differently than his peers once he calls someone "Ma'am" or "Sir". People tend to treat him more kindly, and with less of the typical animosity that teens usually garner. We are really working on this with Nicholas, too. It is definitely a habit that has to be established, not a natural behavior.

Another big thing for us is gratitude. I guess another way to say this would be "lack of entitlement attitude". We desire for the boys to appreciate the things they have and keep their "wants" in line with reality. We have tried very hard to be as transparent as possible with the boys about our finances and let them know what things are going to be a possibility, within the family budget and our means, when they have desires. This is truly difficult sometimes, especially when it feels like we are depriving the boys of "normal" items- and by that I mean things that all of their friends seem to own or use. It helps, of course, to remember that my goal in parenting isn't to have a minute-by-minute satisfied, ecstatic child, but to eventually have a man who can live in the real world and be content and effective.

Related to gratitude is the above mentioned quality- contentment. I believe this is a huge factor in the execution of good manners. Many times, poor manners stem from a sense of jealousy, greed, etc... all a result of a lack of contentment. I believe the most important way we teach this skill to the kids is by being content ourselves, and acting in a manner that exudes contentment even when the "feelings" aren't there. Like anything else, there's no magic workbook or pill that makes this possible. Just a daily, sometimes hourly or minutely choosing to do the next right thing. Difficult, but immensely valuable.

I guess to sum up, in my opinion, true "good manners" are a result of unselfish, kind, thoughtful hearts. I want to teach my boys the right actions, of course. But most of all, I want the correct actions to flow from a heart and mind that are filled with the right attitude and thoughts. Making myself obedient first, being in constant prayer, and regularly evaluating my methods and goals are essential in this endeavor. (Ouch. I am, more often than not, acutely aware of my failures in this area. But I just keep at it!)


.......like the rest of parenting, leading by example is the first step.

I'm Not Ok

......but you're not either, so it's alright.


Let's be honest, really honest. Are you ok all the time? I mean, I know our inclination (Especially as women) would be to answer that with a quick, "Yep! I am doing GREAT, how are YOU doing?" But that's not always the real answer. 


The real answer is sometimes, "I feel lonely", or "I screamed at my kids for no reason and feel like the worst mother ever", or "I hate how my body looks", or "I am ashamed that I treated my husband like crap", or "I am freaking out because I keep spending too much money"...or....or....<insert your current malady of choice here>


I am not advocating the constant utterance of a babbling confession at the drop of a hat. Nor do I believe that we should tell everyone everything without a filter. That's not helpful, and not necessary.


What I AM suggesting is a little dose of humility mixed with a touch of decency, a tad bit of introspection, and a huge spoonful of honesty. We need that combination more in our interactions with one another. We DO.


Like when you see a friend, and they ask how your marriage is going, how your husband's job is faring, how your kids are doing, you don't have to vomit every single issue into your friend's face, but be honest. If you're having a hard time with something, just a simple acknowledgement of that goes a long way. If you're faltering in a specific area, it is OK to say, "I am really struggling to be kind." "It's hard not to be resentful when my husband works so much." "It upsets me when my kids do 'X' and I'm not always sure how to handle it."


Maybe people will be shocked. Maybe they will have expected the pat "I'm fine" answer. Maybe they will tell their husband what you said. Maybe you will be embarrassed that you shared.


.....or maybe, they'll be relieved that you're not only NOT perfect, but you're not pretending to be. Because then THEY won't have to pretend either.


One of my favorite C.S Lewis quotes is this one, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What?! You too? I thought I was the only one!" "


Sometimes just not feeling alone is very powerful. Often, it is just the catalyst we need to change because we are not happy or satisfied with the way things are, with the way WE are. Somehow, it is easier to see and admit those "things that need changing" when we are in a community of other people who are muddling through their junk as well. Feeling alone in sin is like being in one of those horrible nightmares where you're naked in front of a group of people. Nobody wants to be in that position. AND NOBODY IS ALONE IN SIN. I don't care how perfect people seem, everyone has flaws, shortcomings, struggles, failures. EVERYONE. 


Somewhere along the line, I don't know where exactly, I have gotten this notion that I am supposed to try and be perfect all the time, and never mess up. Which is terrible, because (And if you know me in real life, you KNOW this already) I am about as far from perfect as a girl can be. I talk too much. I say the wrong things. I argue. I get mad. I yell at my kids. I neglect and ignore things that I am afraid of. I am lazy a lot. I get critical.(I could give you a mile-long list, but I want you to like me at least a little)


Guess what? Who cares. God knew all of those things about me when He picked me to be His kid. And He knows that I don't WANT to mire myself in those things. I don't wallow in laziness, or anger, or being loud and saying the wrong thing. I desire to be perfect and always do the right thing. It's just that I fall short (Way, WAY short) in the application of that desire. God sees this and comes alongside me and makes up for my shortcomings. He shows me how to change and encourages me (Sometimes directly and sometimes through people in my life) that I am on the right path. That doesn't mean I do the right thing all the time, far from it! What it means is that I hold fast to my longing to do the right thing. I keep taking a deep breath, and doing the NEXT right thing. I keep trying.


What I am saying is that we need each other to stop pretending we've "arrived" at the "perfection bus stop", and admit that we are still on the journey.  There is enough pressure in the world to be perfect from advertisements and television shows and know-it-all types. As friends, and especially as Christians, let's not put pressure and unrealistic expectations on one another by acting like we have it all together and we're perfect. It's ok NOT to be ok. Sure, it will freak you out a little at first. Then other people will know that you have flaws. Won't it be a relief though? You don't have to keep up the ruse. You can let people love you. And, to be totally frank, you'll be able to love other people more. I don't know exactly why it is, but when you're real, you love better. There is less garbage and  fewer walls to break through, I think. 


Genuine is good. Really good.


Take the chance. If you really ARE ok, then good! If you are NOT ok, then you're not alone, and you will be ok, eventually. Just keep doing the next right thing.


Press on, friends.

STOP IT!!! (Yes, you!!)

....this is what I have to tell myself.

Frequently.

Like, 100 times per day.

I am going to explain. But first, if you didn't catch this video from one of my first blog posts, you MUST watch it. It's hilarious, true, and very appropriate for this post:

Ok, so for 2012, my goal has been to be a more thoughtful, less critical, more loving, content, happy person. I have been daily reading Matthew chapter 5 (The Sermon on the Mount). Here is a link to the chapter in the ESV version: Matthew 5, and also Luke 6:27-36:

Love for Enemies

    <sup>27</sup> “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, <sup>28</sup> bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. <sup>29</sup> If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. <sup>30</sup> Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. <sup>31</sup> Do to others as you would have them do to you.

   <sup>32</sup> “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. <sup>33</sup> And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. <sup>34</sup> And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. <sup>35</sup>But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. <sup>36</sup> Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Guess what? 


That's not easy. 


My problem is this: I purpose myself to act a certain way, (Or NOT to act a certain way...), then guess what happens? Three minutes later, I am doing the very thing I was trying not to do!!


So I end up telling myself, "STOP IT!"


.....over, and over, and over........ 


Here are some of my STOP ITs, maybe you'll be able to relate....


Stop...... being passive aggressive. If something is important enough to be upset about, it's important enough to talk about honestly.


Stop..... being angry when life isn't fair. Really, if it WERE fair, none of us would be going to heaven.


Stop..... trying to manipulate the outcome of situations. Just do the next right thing, and live your daily life with integrity.


Stop..... dwelling on things people have said that make you feel hurt/sad/angry. Unless you enjoy feeling hurt/sad/angry, it's really purposeless.


Stop..... holding on to things people have done against you. Forgive them and move on. You don't need to keep score. That's not your job. It's God's. He doesn't need your help.


Stop..... wishing you had someone else's life. If you had their life, you'd be wishing for something else. Be content.


Stop..... applying the bible verses you read to everyone around you, and apply them to your own life.


Stop..... expecting to be happy after your "wish list" is checked off. Be happy now.


Stop..... gossiping.


Stop..... taking about the things that annoy you about other people, and start praying for those people instead.


Stop..... using the excuse of "venting" to just slander other people to make yourself feel better.


Stop..... focusing on what other people do, and focus on what YOU do.


Stop..... hating people. Even the ones who deserve it.


Stop..... judging people who do things you don't understand. Pray instead, to understand, and if you can't understand, to love them anyhow.


Stop..... thinking you have an inexhaustible amount of time in which to be different. Life is short. Be different NOW.




Do you have your own list? Does it look anything like mine? 


I have my work cut out for me. So I will take a deep breath, and do the next right thing.


Press on, friends. 

Wifely Check Up

The beginning of the year always causes me to take stock of certain aspects of my life.

My budget, for one. My schedule, how I spend my time. The relationships in my life.

One important relationship stands out the most. My relationship with Wade. More specifically, what I am doing to be purposeful in that relationship.

When something is important to me, I like to, fairly consistently, evaluate what my level of engagement/commitment is and define my goals/direction in regards to that thing. Therefore, every so often I do that with my marriage, and sort of evaluate my wifely progress. I like to look at where I've come from, how I'm doing, and how I can improve. Occasionally I do this because I am having an issue with something (Usually my own attitude), but I also run a wifely check up as a "preventive maintenance" type deal at times as well. Here's how I do it:

Read things that cause me to think:
I usually start with getting out my bible and reading Proverbs 31:10-31. Slowly. Stopping to think about each verse, and how it pertains to me and my role as a wife. I have several journals I've kept over the years and I like to read my thoughts about Proverbs 31, and how they've changed and been refined over the years. This year, I also read the blog entries I wrote about being a wife. (I know that may seem weird, reading my own writing, but it really convicts me and makes me want to live up to the standards I profess to hold.) Here are those posts:
Wifely Duties
Wifely Contentment
Wifely Battles

...after I'm in the right mindset to think seriously about my goals as a wife, there are three main areas that I consider when I think about how to be an excellent wife to Wade. Here they are:

Tangible, Practical Support:
These are all of the things I do, on a day to day basis, to take care of Wade. Making his lunch, making sure he has clean clothes, making phone calls or running errands..... these are all practical ways I help him. As I think about this area of my life, I like to make sure I have enough time during the week to consider ways that I could be of assistance to Wade, and make sure I am asking him, at least once or twice a week, if there's anything I can do for him- pick up items at the store, make a certain dinner he's craving, run something to the cleaners...etc.... Often he won't need anything, but I know he feels cared about when I ask.

 I also try and consider how things are going for him at work, and set aside time to allow him to recharge in the manner that's best for him (Which just so happens to be the opposite of my way). For example, if he's had a long day at work, I know he likes the house tidy and fairly quiet/calm when he gets home. (I am not quiet, normally, so I have to muzzle myself.) If he's had a stressful week, sometimes being home with just our family is what he needs. There are times when I have to think about that, because I love doing things with friends and tend to pack our schedule full of outings.

Another practical way I fulfill my role as a wife is to make food that is (At least somewhat) healthy and appealing for Wade. He feels so much better (Like we all do) when he is eating nutritious meals. Making sure he has something quick but healthy for breakfast, packing him a filling lunch, and consistently making good dinners are ways I tangibly show my care for him.

Spiritual Encouragement/Prayer:
Sometimes my prayers for Wade get pretty darn sad. They turn in to my own request list, in prayer form. As I thought through how to best be praying for my husband, lots of things came to mind. Integrity and good character at work. Wisdom in leading our family. Clarity for creating balance in his life. The list got quite long. As I pray for him every day, it helps me to think of him more clearly as his own person, and not just someone who is in my life to make things easier for me. Does that make sense? Sometimes I get very wrapped up in the things Wade could do/not do that would make my life simpler or more enjoyable in some way. I lose sight of that fact that he is a man that God is working in and through for His glory and purposes. Praying purposefully and thoughtfully for Wade helps me to focus on how to best encourage him in God's will for him.

Another way I encourage Wade spiritually is to give him lots of credit and support when he is shouldering tough moral choices. Whether it's a situation at work, something with a family member, or a big decision for OUR family, I can help by being a good listener and giving my honest opinion, as well as doing my best to understand where he is coming from even if we don't agree.

Emotional and Physical Needs:
I had to chuckle when I was typing this title, because Wade would object to me saying he has emotional needs. He would think that sounds too girly.

...but He does. Even if men don't express their emotions the same way that we chicks do, they need a interested, attentive, uncritical partner, and sometimes a bit of bolstering up. You will have to figure out what that looks like for your guy- I am sure it's different for each of them. It's worth the investment to determine how to give emotional support to your husband. They'll appreciate it. Also, they'll look to you for it, and that's a great compliment. Being needed by your husband is really wonderful.

Another need that I make sure I am taking care of is in the physical department. I address this in my "Wifely Duties" post- but to give it a quick summary- sex is important. Make time for it. Initiate it sometimes. It's fun. That is all.


..to sum it up, our role as "Wife" is very important, and worth taking the time to run a "check up". Be purposeful about how you choose to spend your time, and make sure you are investing enough energy in being an excellent wife. I know, for myself, my priorities can't just be a list, or a statement, they must be reflected in how I spend my time. They have to shine through in my choices.

That won't happen by accident. So be a good wife. On purpose.

Being Kind to People Who... Aren't

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."
~Samuel Johnson


"Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you- not because they are nice, but because you are."
~Author Unknown


"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
~Plato
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I am just going to be honest here.


This is a tough subject. 


I have people in my life that are difficult. I would imagine everyone does. People who tend toward unreasonable demands, who can be unkindly critical, who dislike core components of my personality.


In the past, I would deal with these types of people by being confrontational. That didn't work so well, because difficult people don't typically tend to look honestly at their own actions. (And mind you, I in no way consider myself to be innocent and perfect in any of my relationships. I am open to acknowledge my own faults and wrongdoings. Which, I know, are plentiful.) 


When that failed, I would, under the guise of creating "boundaries", simply refuse to be around these types of people. That doesn't work either, because there are going to be difficult people that you have to interact with, due to the nature of their involvement in our lives. For example, if the person is someone you work with, are you going to quit your job? What if the person is a family member? Are you going to avoid family functions? 


So with those options removed, I was left with another choice. Find a way to deal with difficult people and situations with integrity and kindness. (NOT that I am always able to do this well, or at all! But it is something I think about frequently, and truly strive to accomplish.) Here are some of the things I've learned:


It's not personal:
I know this seems like a contradiction- if someone is saying unkind or critical things about you, personally, how can it not be personal?? One thing I've learned is that people have insecurities, hurts from the past, walls built up that have nothing to do with me. Sometimes, after getting to know someone better, they share some of their history with me, and a light bulb goes off. They are reacting to something I am doing, not because they hate me or because I am doing something wrong, but because they have a previous issue that hasn't been dealt with. In those types of situations, I try my very best not to take the actions/words personally, and move on. Being confident of your decisions and who you are- that's infinitely helpful in this, because you don't feel as threatened or defensive. You can just chalk it up to a difference of opinion and move on.


Plan neutral topics of conversation:
This seems so silly, and feels contrived the first few times you put it into action. But when I have to spend more than a fleeting amount of time with someone who I know may bring up topics that will make me upset or defensive, I try and think up conversation starters that could lead to polite, interesting conversation. Maybe the person is interested in a certain hobby, or books, or movies. Perhaps you could ask them a question that is in their field of expertise. Try and brainstorm ideas that you can use to divert an unpleasant conversation, or fill too-lengthy silences.


Sometimes the kindest thing is silence:
Anyone who knows me is aware that I am NOT a quiet person by nature. I talk a LOT. I am opinionated. I get passionate about certain issues. I almost incessantly joke around. Those things are part of who I am. There are times, however, when I can add nothing constructive or kind in a conversation, either because I disagree so strongly with the bent of the opinions being offered, or because I know my opinion or joking will be taken in a way other than it is intended.  I have found, in those times, the best and kindest way to participate is to politely disengage and be quiet. You don't always have to argue your point. Especially if you have been all the way down that road with someone multiple times. They know your opinion. You know theirs. Neither appears to be softening. Why get your hackles up? Silence doesn't always imply agreement. It can also imply class, kindness, strength, and self-control. It can allow you to still have an agreeable conversation, later, about a less polarizing topic. 


Think about Jesus:
I know the whole "WWJD" thing has been way, cheesily overdone. But sometimes, when I get hurt or upset about something someone has said that attacks or demeans me, I think of Jesus. He came to earth to save us. He was and is perfect. But a lot of people hated Him. Treated Him like garbage. Lied about Him. 


......and eventually killed Him.


No one is doing or saying anything to me that even slightly, remotely touch the things that were done to Jesus. If He endured with love and integrity and dignity, I know, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can too. 


I won't do it perfectly. I sometimes won't even do it well. But it is a worthwhile effort.


Being kind glorifies God:
It is important to remember that being kind to someone who isn't is not intended to benefit the unkind person. It is intended to be an act of obedience that glorifies God. This is a something to remind yourself about over and over. People, including unreasonable people, see kindness and are impacted by it. Even if is seems like they aren't. Even if you feel like you're being a fool, or being taken advantage of, or looking weak. You aren't. The only thing that is going to last from this life is the relationships we invest ourselves in. Sacrifices that seem to garner nothing here will look different in eternity. Remember that. Better yet, remind yourself of that constantly. 


I love this quote from Spurgeon:
"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who have loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."


Even the seemingly unpleasant things we do while we're alive count. So press on and do the best you can to love others. Even the difficult ones.

Peace in a Free Fall

Before I write the rest of this post, I have to get something out of the way.

It is woefully ridiculous that I am using this particular analogy.

I would never, NEVER jump out of an airplane with a parachute. (Barring, of course, some unforeseen compulsion by a killer who is holding my children hostage, or a zillionaire who offers me millions of dollars.....) (The first scenario is far more likely to compel me than the second...)

Do you know what I mean, though, when I talk about being in a free fall? Something that puts you in a complete and utter panic. Something that makes you feel powerless, out-of-control, overwhelmed, ill-equipped, alone. Most of all, afraid. Terrified, even.

.....I have things like that.

Financial burdens, relationship failures or serious tensions, medical issues, death, children living in disobedience, unemployment...... these are all situations that can throw us into a free fall.

For me, being in a free fall means it's hard to focus on the rest of life. I have a hard time eating or sleeping. It feels like there's constant chaos inside my head. I can't just be. I'm antsy, jittery, discontent, constantly searching for a solution that will satisfy the overpowering fear in my heart and allow me to have some respite.

There is a solution. And it's simple.

......simple, but not easy.

I mean, we're talking about peace during the free fall.  Not peace after your chute's opened like it's supposed to, and you're close enough to the ground that you're pretty sure you won't end up as pulp. I imagine free fall being more like the chaos in my head- loud, out-of-control, overwhelming, dissonant, scary. All-encompassing.

The (short version) simple answer is this: take a deep breath and do the next right thing. The VERY next right thing.

Here's the long version....

God is in control:


Psalm 16:5 says "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure." Everything that we have to deal with is assigned by God. I don't say that callously or flippantly. I have been in situations that were horrible, unfair, not to be understood. And I know there are some of you that are immersed in things that I couldn't even fathom. I get that. I feel the weight of that.

...and yet still, I believe that God is in control. That He makes our lot secure. Ultimately, there is nothing we can lose that can't be restored on the other side of eternity. I know that does little to lessen the pain and struggle of loss and trials right now. But sometimes, the hope we have is this- whatever we are experiencing is finite, temporary (even if temporary seems like a long, long time). That is enough to help us take a deep breath, know that the creator of the universe is in control, and, eventually, we will be ok. Whatever that means. However that gets worked out. Our job isn't to work it all out, our job is to obey and have faith.

Accept your limits:


I like to be on top things. (That is a very polite way of saying I like to be in control of things). But guess what? I'm not in control of everything. Sometimes it seems as though I am in control of nothing. When I am in a free fall, not having control feels AWFUL!! I feel like I want to do anything within my power to gain some portion of control.

This is what I've learned- there's some times in life when I am not going to have control over a situation. Accepting that helps me deal with the trial in peace and contentment. Instead of exhausting myself by trying to imagine ways in which I can gain control, my energy is sometimes better spent figuring out how exactly I can best obey God's will for me in the midst of the circumstance. I can then turn my focus to myself- my attitude, my actions, by thoughts, and make them obedient. By doing that, I AM in control. No matter what the external situation in, I can still be in control of my response, my path.

Stay in the present:


Let's say you're in a free fall. You need to focus on the very next right thing. If you expend too much effort planning your landing strategy, and forget to pull your rip cord....uuhhh.... that's not going to work out so well. To use another analogy, that's why I LOVE trail running. When you're on mountain trails, there are a ton of rocks, roots, debris that you have to run through. You have to, each step, look and find the right spot to put your foot. That takes all your focus. (I know this, because when I try and chat, or look that the view, I fall down. Ugh.) The thing I love about that, is that it FREES me. All I am ABLE to think about is where my next step will go. I HAVE to do that for my own self-preservation. I can't dwell on other things. Having a single, focused purpose is so amazingly liberating. Calming. Restorative.

Sometimes we get into situations that are complicated. Problems that, despite our best efforts, we cannot see where we can go from here, or how the solution will come. We can look to the past and try and see how we got there. We can look to the future and do mental gymnastics trying to figure out how we will get OUT of the hard spot.

....that is exhausting. And, most often, not really helpful. Sometimes counter-productive. Because, while pressing forward to the future is beneficial and God-ordained, I believe we do that by making right choices in the here-and-now, the present. By being singular in our focus. God says, in Philippians 3:13,14 "But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." We are pressing forward, not to a set of specific solutions that we have pre-figured out, but to the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.That one purpose. We are pressing forward in obedience, being thankful for the hope and future that Christ provided for us. A future that is perfect and secure. Even if our "right now" isn't.

Fake it 'till you make it:


I am just going to tell you, this WORKS. But is is HARD.

Emotions are not a good indicator of how we should act. Emotions change, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute. If our emotions are the driving force for our actions, well, that makes for a very tumultuous existence.

After taking the time to think through how to best obey God in a certain situation, we often (almost always) face the daunting, unpleasant task of beginning the path of "doing the next right thing" in complete contrast to our emotions. Likely in opposition to our sense of self-preservation. Usually in a direction that takes us out of our comfort zone. I am going to tell you the secret to accomplishing this.

Suck it up. Do it. The feeling will come.

Sorry. There's no magic that makes it feel better. But it will feel better. The route of obedience leads directly to peace. I don't know how that happens. I just know that it DOES. A switch flips after a while. But there's a lag time, a time in which you will feel afraid, uncomfortable, like you're using an eyedropper to fill a chasm. I promise you, with all that I've experienced, that feeling goes away.

Do the NEXT right thing. Take a deep breath. Do it again. Find people who will encourage you in this venture. Focus on what YOU are supposed to be doing. Not on how unfair the situation is. Not on someone else isn't doing what they're supposed to be doing. Not on how so-and-so has it so much easier. Doing the next right thing takes effort. Don't waste your energy on thoughts that take you away from your goal.

When the peace comes, be thankful for the Provider:


Don't forget, after you're out of the free fall, how bad you thought it was and how you were brought through it. Remembering God's provision and help to us in the fiery trials of life gives us hope for the next round- but only if we remember His hand in our lives. For some people, journals provide this reminder. I like keeping track of God's provision in journal form. I also have a pile of "remembrance stones" on my front porch- each painted with a reminder of God's provision for myself and some of my close friends..... something like that can be an aid to help us. To remind us to get back into the place of trust and obedience when we face circumstances that throw us, again, into a free fall. God is good. He truly helps us and loves us. Remembering that is key to staying focused and not getting sucked into a hopeless pit.


After you're back on the ground, you have a responsibility- to use the things God has taught you to live differently. This is good news. God shapes us through trials. In a wonderful way. He gives us tools and means that we didn't have before. He equips us. Be mindful of that, and walk in the strength of it. You survived a free fall. That is an amazing thing.

....It seems fitting to end with one of my favorite quotes from Elisabeth Elliot is this: "The secret is Christ in me, not a different set of circumstances."

Iced Tea Obsession, Tucson Training, and Goals....

I know I've talked a bunch about training for Tucson. That's because it is REALLY important to me, and because I am working so hard at it! Sometimes I get this glimpse of myself, a housewife in my 30's, out on the track doing speed training, and think, "Shari, what are you doing?!"

But you know what?? I LOVE having goals. And, to be brutally honest, I LOVE having goals that are about me. I thoroughly enjoy serving my family. I am totally blessed to home-school my boys. I am happy to take care of Wade and support his career. All of those things are my life. Every day. So is training, racing, setting goals, and working hard to achieve them. That's part of my life too. A good part. I used to be somewhat timid and embarrassed about that. I guess, if I'm honest, I still am- sometimes. I don't want people to think I'm not a good wife, or a good mom, because I have something for myself. To tell the truth, I think having that little piece of my day set aside for running...... it helps me to be a good wife and a good mom.

Enough on that. Sheesh, I can go on, can't I?!

One thing I've done, in conjunction with my training, is to really clean up my diet.

I love candy. I love Coke. I do. I like McDonald's. I like cheesecake and creme brulee. Ok, ok, you get the idea.......... That is never going to change. I am still having those things, just not very often. I still have baked goods, but generally I limit the amount and save it for a treat. (IN GENERAL. I still have my days.)

In the effort to make my drink life more interesting (so I have a drink life, do I??!), I started experimenting with iced tea. Herbal tea mostly, but also some other, decaf tea. I currently have two favorites!

I make my iced tea by putting a gallon of cold water and 8 tea bags into a pot. Bring the water to almost boiling, then shut the heat off and let it steep for 10 or 15 minutes. Take the tea bags out and pour the tea into a pitcher.

How cute is my cup?? I love that thing! I use a few Splenda packets in my tea. (Please do not bother to email me about the evils of Splenda. I will be ok, I promise.) ;)

One of my favorites is this Good Earth Green Tea (The decaf Lemongrass flavor). I use 8 bags for a gallon of water.

My other favorite is a combo of two kinds of tea. I use 4 bags of the Tazo Passion tea, and 4 bags of the Celestial Seasonings Country Peach Passion tea. Oh, this one is gooooooood. Again, for a gallon of water.

Drink tea. Find your passion. Do all the things you are supposed to do, then make time for something you want to do. It's fun. It's good for you. Really.

Why I Hate Myself (And Why You Shouldn't)

There are some thing in life that tend to be pretty predictable.

Death. Taxes. The fact that there are no "free lunches".

For me, another sure thing tends to be self-loathing.

Ugh.

The problem is, I know myself pretty well. I know my strengths. I know my flaws.

Why is it always so much easier to observe the flaws than it is to focus on the strengths? I am not sure. But I know that it is.

When I get into that "nobody likes me everybody hates me think I'll eat some worms..." tailspin, it is hard to feel good about myself. It's a challenge to feel secure and confident. I tend to feel like the people around me see me as annoying, obnoxious, loud, rude...... the list goes on and on. (I am sure that people DO feel that way sometimes! I talk a lot, I tend to laugh loud, etc......) I wish I could ask for reassurance sometimes, but then I feel weak and needy. I don't like feeling weak. Or needy.

A good friend of mine pointed out this week that I tend to talk badly about myself. (Thank you my friend. I have been needing to address this for a while and you gave me the push I needed!) I usually do it in a funny, self deprecating kind of way. But deep down, most of the jokes I make about myself...well..... I guess I am just saying them so I can laugh at myself before anyone else has a chance to do it first.

Am I suggesting that I NEVER look at my weaknesses, my sin, my flaws? Of course not! I understand that we need honest self-reflection and there are habits and actions we need to change. I grasp the need to be truthful with others and ourselves about strongholds in our lives, and to be accountable.

What I am suggesting is that I need to start being a little bit nicer to myself. I need to take joy in the gifts that God has given me and be proud of them. (Not in a yucky, sinful pride way. In a humble, thankful way.) I need to calmly say, "Thank you" when someone gives me a compliment. What I usually do is make a joke that negates the compliment by explaining why it isn't true, or why I am not worthy of praise. I need to acknowledge in my prayer life the successes in my life and give thanks for them, instead of only acknowledging my failures and sin and desire to change.

I believe that God created me. On purpose. FOR a purpose. It occurred to me, when I was thinking about all of this, that THAT is the key- remembering that I was put together with care, with forethought, with skill, with a design. Wow. That makes me glad. It makes me see that I have value.... even when I mess up. Even when I'm not perfect, and I fail. Even in my weakness.

I can't hate myself without somehow saying to God, "You screwed up."

..and I KNOW that's not true. God doesn't. :)

So, that is what I'm working on. I hope I'm not alone.

Wifely Battles- In Defense of Arguing

"Fear not those who argue but those who dodge"
~Dale Carnegie


"Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict - alternatives to passive or aggressive responses"
~Dorothy Thompson

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another"
~Proverbs 27:17
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This is the third post in the "Being a Wife" series that I am working on. The first post is Wifely Duties, and the second post is Wifely Contentment. Please be sure to read my disclaimer in the second post- it basically tells you how imperfect I am. (As though anyone needs a disclaimer for that!)

I got married at a young age. Before I was married, I was very careful to do my pre-marital counselling, pray for all the right things, fill out all the workbook pages on how we would decide the important things....etc....

....I was young. I thought that if I did all the right things, and didn't do any of the wrong things, I would have an idyllic marriage. I thought I could avoid conflict with good intentions.

Guess what?

.....I was wrong.

When Wade and I first had conflict, in the early years of our marriage, I was very, very (VERY) passive aggressive. I would give him the silent treatment, expect him to REALIZE what he did wrong, then explode in anger when he didn't magically acquire the knowledge I was withholding. Needless to say, that wasn't a great method for resolving conflict. I realized that right away, but felt I was stuck in a cycle that I couldn't break. I would be resolute in my desire to be different, but as soon as any important conflict took place, I would resort back to my usual response.

This was frustrating for Wade as well, he would initially try and give me what I wanted, but that was difficult, because he was forced into guessing what I wanted since I wouldn't tell him. The problem was, I had this idea that if he loved me enough, and thought about me enough, he would do or say the right thing to make me happy, to make me not angry.

That was a fairly tumultuous time. One I wouldn't really be thrilled to relive.

There was a turning point in my life when I started to change. (Thank you Lord) Unfortunately, how I decided to THEN resolve conflict was to avoid it by trying to NEVER be angry about things at all. (Yeah, by the way, that doesn't work. All you end up doing is stuffing your anger.)  Even when I was rightly angry about something. I felt that I should just pray about my attitude, and that God would convict Wade when he was wrong, but that I wouldn't argue or fight about things, because I wanted to avoid that. (Just a side note, I think it is a good thing to be praying that God would convict your husband when he is making a bad choice, and praying that YOU would have the right attitude. I just don't think that's a substitute for communicating your feelings to your husband.) The problem with that method (obviously) was that Wade was happily doing things that made me feel totally resentful and taken for granted, and I wasn't ever telling him about those things! Every once in a while I would bring something up that had been bothering me and he was either totally clueless, or he sort of knew it bothered me, but figured if it wasn't a big enough deal for me to talk to him about it, he was going to go ahead and do what he wanted.

Fast forward to the present.

Do you know couples who never argue? Who glide along through life in a seemingly eternal state of bliss and agreement? I do. It's hard not to compare yourself to people like that, isn't it?

I am not convinced that anyone who isn't catatonic actually lives life that way though. No two people agree about EVERYTHING all the time. (If you happen to be the exception to this rule, please accept my apology.)

Now, when Wade and I disagree on something, we argue about it. (Well, according to Wade, we DON'T argue. (even though we do) He says we DISCUSS.)

I am not afraid of arguing anymore. In a way, I sort of embrace it. Let me explain why.

There are some things worth arguing over:
I am not going to argue over what we have for dinner, or what radio station we listen to. But sometimes, when we have a conflict over how to handle a situation with our kids, or how to spend money, or how we should handle a family conflict, the issue is important enough that it is WORTH an argument. My opinion matters. BUT- the only way it is going to matter is if I value my instincts and opinions enough to be passionate and share them with Wade. In our house, he has the final say, but I want to influence him when I feel differently than he feels. There have been times when I've been dead wrong. There have been times when I've been right on the money. Arguing my side allows me to be a partner and not an employee or child. And it allows Wade to see another side to things, which he may not have considered.

Arguing diminishes the power of the "silent treatment" weapon:
I learned, fairly early on in marriage, that when your spouse is treating you unfairly, or making decisions and not considering you, that you have very few healthy tactics with which to respond. I also learned (Actually I didn't learn this, it was already built in, I think...) that there are quite a few unhealthy, manipulative methods you can employ. My weapon of choice was the silent treatment. I got quite skilled at that. The problem is, have you noticed that when you are trying to make your husband "come around" in a conflict, and you use the silent treatment, or whatever your favorite weapon of choice may be, it doesn't actually give you any real power? Because even if you end up getting your way, it's not satisfying- because you know your husband just gave in. It's not a real, lasting solution. Even if you temporarily get what you want, ultimately, the problem that exists is still there. Lurking.

 Another downside to the silent treatment is this: it's hard to withhold your affection from just one person. So generally you have a diminished sense of joy and love toward EVERYONE in your life, not just the person you're intending to ignore. Yuck. If you argue about the problem, even if you don't get your way, there is conversation. You can be heard. You can use the healthy power you DO HAVE- the influence you have over your husband as his partner and someone he respects and loves. And you can hear his reasons, his opinions, his rational for making choices, and maybe understand where he is coming from.

If you argue enough, you get good at it:
Ok, that sounds like a bad thing, but I promise you it isn't! When Wade and I first started to actually argue about important issues, we weren't very skilled at it. So it usually disintegrated into insults. But as the years have gone by, we have learned how to hear what the other person is saying. We have also learned (Most of the time) to keep at it if we don't come to a solution the first go around. I have learned not to take things as personally, since that is a flaw of mine. Wade has learned to be a bit more open to hear me out completely, even when I am saying something he doesn't like. Do we argue perfectly? NOT AT ALL!!! But we both have the same goal in mind- finding a situation or decision that we can both live with- together. And we can find that when we try. Sometimes it is hard-earned, we really have to contend with each other. But thankfully, we've learned how to argue well.

Once you're done arguing, it's DONE:
I think this is my favorite benefit to arguing things through. When you finally DO reach a compromise, you're done! The issue isn't waiting to rear its ugly head again in two days. Or two weeks. Or twenty years. You don't have to keep track of who did what to whom and how many points you have. Arguing until you reach an agreement keeps you on the same team. I know that sounds contrary, but it isn't. I believe that keeping arguments inside instead of voicing them sometimes leads to secretly working against the other person, and having a "his team" and "my team" mentality. When you feel like you have to look out for your own needs because your husband doesn't know what your needs are.... that is divisive. If you feel like you have to hide resources, or information, or anything from your husband because you can't bring it up to him.... that's divisive. Arguing and presenting all the facts to each other keeps you two working as partners. On the same team. Together. One.

One is good.

To sum it up, I am not advocating screaming at one another. Or fighting. Or being unreasonable. What I am suggesting is that when you are in a marriage with someone you respect, they deserve to know what you think. Even when it's different from their opinion. I believe one of the ways I show that I trust Wade is when I let him know what bothers me, what I need, what my opinions are, what I see as the right choice. I can't tell you how much he's changed over the years, and stepped up to the plate, and worked hard to be worthy of that trust. Does he mess up? Of course! Do *I* mess up? Most assuredly! But we keep at it.

If you argue when you disagree, it makes your approval and agreement even more sweet- because your husband can trust that it's real. That's a good gift. He'll know you're not saying one thing and feeling another.

Lastly, I want to just say that I think most men, when they love their wives, want to lay the world at their wife's feet. They just need to know how to do that for you. Trust them enough to be real.

If you don't agree, I'll be happy to argue with you. :)

Don't Flip the Bird While Sporting the Fish..... (Seriously, DO NOT)

"Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him."
~C.S. Lewis

" Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others"
~Philippians 2:3-4

“Some people think that God peers over the balcony of heaven trying to find anybody who is enjoying life. And when He spots a happy person, He yells, ''Now cut that out!'' That concept of God should make us shudder because it's blasphemous!”
~Paul Little




I was driving around town doing errands the other day. The Trader Joe's parking lot was complete mayhem. There was a primo parking spot, and two cars went to pull in at the same time. I noticed one car had several "Christian" stickers affixed to the bumper, one of which was the well-recognized "Jesus fish".

Unfortunately, fish-sticker man didn't get the spot.

He proceeded to "flip the bird" to the other driver (An elderly woman, it seemed to me she realized neither her "mistake" nor her impending fate) screamed something to her that I couldn't understand, and laid on the horn. The woman looked up, appeared startled, and fish-sticker man sped away, off to find another victim...er....parking spot.

Sad, right?

It occurred to me later that day- I so often do practically the same thing. I struggle with various versions of that same story in my life. Oh, I'm careful not to attach any bumper stickers to my car (Or my person for that matter) but most people who know me are aware that I am a Christian. So when I have a bad attitude, lack integrity, behave in a hypocritical fashion, or act in manner that is rude or unkind to the people around me, I pretty much do the exact same thing that fish-sticker man was doing.

That grieves me. Truly.

And yet, I struggle with that very thing. I strive against selfishness, against pride, against critical thoughts. But....but....they are old friends. Enemies actually, but familiar. And hard to shake.

I don't want to leave anyone startled and confused about who God is. I want them to know more about who He is because I act in a way that represents Him. If you are a Christian, this should concern you as well- we don't want to mix people up by professing one thing and living another. We don't want to preach a God that saves and is Holy and just- and then be mingling our nit-picky pet peeves with God's truths. We shouldn't gossip about people and then act nice to their face (UGH I struggle with this sometimes). We can't only love people who are EASY to love, we need to love everyone. (To be honest, I want to type "pretty much everyone". There are people that are hard to love. People who are hard to know HOW to love. What to do when they're not lovable people..... and yet, still, we need to try.) (I don't like that, by the way.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, realize what you've been given. What we have all been forgiven. Be changed by that. Treat other people differently because of that.

....I am going to do that too. And guess what- I am going to mess up. Lots. So will you.

But that's okay. We'll dust ourselves off, take a deep breath, and do the next right thing. We'll keep trying to care about, in a practical way, the people that God has created.

That, my friends, is better than a convenient parking space.

Being Pro-Choice

I am at a crossroads.

..again.

I get here fairly often.

Usually around this time of year.

The thing is, I like to be relied upon. To be committed to things. Big things. Little things. Church stuff. Scout activities. Social outings.

Here's the problem. After a period of time, I find myself assuming I can do "x" without really making a choice about it. I mean, I did it last year. I like "x". And, always floating around in the back of my head.... "if you don't do it this year, they're going to find someone better, and there won't be a spot for you again...." (Stinking pride. If there was one sin-ectomy I could have, it would be pride. Pride-ectomy.)

Does that make sense? It's like I tell myself, "well, of course you're going to do that thing! That's what you DO!"

Hence, I am so booked with the things I feel I ought to do, that I am barely squeezing in the things I know I am 100% certain, without a doubt, called to do.

This time of year, the time right after school ends, but before the press of the new school year is felt, I like to think about what I have going on in my life and make choices. Choices about what will stay, and what will go. I am not going to lie- I don't like it. I want to do everything. And I suppose I could....but then, in a way, I am making a choice about the quality I am willing to settle for in how I accomplish "everything".

I had lunch with a dear friend of mine, Julie, and she reminded me to make a firm list with what I am choosing to say "yes" to, so that I can see, realistically, what I need to choose to say "no" to. (Don't you LOVE friends who tell you the truth in a way that makes you want to follow their advice? Such a gift.)

Be a chooser. Don't let the press of urgency, or pushy people, or pride (ugh), force in on you and make you slave to what's hollering at you the loudest. Do what my friend Julie suggested- take some time in a quiet place, by yourself, and make choices. Don't fall victim to the tyranny of the urgent. CHOOSE.

So there we are. I would love to be able to do everything well. But I can't. And sadly, the things that suffer if I choose to take on too many responsibilities.... are the most important things. I don't want that to happen. I want to spend my life pursuing what God has called me to. There are things that I think He may have called me to.... but then there are things I KNOW I am supposed to do. For sure.

So I choose those things. The important ones.

The other stuff will be there when I'm done with what's on my plate, I hope.